When did that happen?
...oh, right, over five years ago.

I really like knitting, I'm not gonna lie. When I can create something that I know will be useful, it's a great feeling. Especially if the yarn is soft.

Christmas week was one of my favorite weeks ever, I think. Most of it was spent with Jamie, Eric, or both.Stayed home for Christmas & watched Little Miss Sunshine, while wearing the gray cowboy boots that my life has been waiting for, opera-length fancy gloves, and a camo bandanna to replace the one that went into the woods at Respite & never came out. Day after that was game night with a small flock of most beloved people. Even the Bailey Christmas was nice.

Speaking of Respite, Dad was just at the post office yesterday mailing my application... to a different camp. (No, not because I didn't like Respite; I just, um, have a weird sense of humor & thought it'd be funny to phrase it that way... sorry...) It's in Indiana (wow!), & has a position that sounds like just what I'm looking for next. (Programmer. I wanna be a programmer. Never done it before, but I wanna do it.) Oh, and they actually reply to e-mails, promptly, & with answers to everything you ask. That is amazing. So is the idea that I could go home on weekends. Not that I'd need to, I actually deeply enjoy being out in the middle of nowhere looking out for myself... but on the other hand, there's that man. Yeah, I'm going to want to go home.

Speaking of which. We're not the crazy type who celebrate every anniversary of everything ever every time, but we did go out on a fancy date for our one-year mark. Then came home for a NYE party with friends.
This all sounds great, but ended up really wacky. Ha. I mean, it was wonderful overall, and I'm going to enjoy laughing about it for the rest of my life, but let's do next year differently.
[Men-- don't leave a lady in pantyhose waiting. It's a terrible idea.]

There are way too many birthdays, & I've been dropping the ball as it is. I need to just focus on one at a time so I can think. Prioritize. Focus. I can do this...

I can't seem to cry anymore. Not when I really want to. I've tried a couple times last year, and it just didn't work. I did cry last year, but only over a lot of things building up over a period of time. Oh well.

If I blink, it'll be time to put the Christmas tree back up. Man, time flies. Which helps me be patient about some things. I just feel like I'm going to forget all the memories that I'm collecting. I've always had that fear. I just love details.

What have you been reading lately?

I like to look back and read old entries in here, see where I've been, remember how it felt and what I've learned, laugh at all the "if I knew then what I know now" thoughts that surface... 

I'm older now.
[I'm still really weird, though.]

I feel ready for the next parts of my life, but of course I have to wait. That's okay. I'll fight for them, I'll do whatever it takes to get there.
It feels good to know what you want and feel God blessing it.

Believe I'll be letting my hair grow out for a while. So it'll look like a mane for a while, I'm sure. Oh well. If Jamie doesn't take his hat back, I'll just keep wearing it... hehe.
I love him intensely.

I am loved, admired, respected. I am looked down on, nitpicked, taken for granted. I love community. Living with so many different people is so much... well, so much everything. :)

I'm thinking too hard to figure out what I want to listen to, so I've got all the tracks on my mp3 player on shuffle; I keep skipping, and all these random memories keep running through my head as the songs do. The time mom took the youth group downtown to buy Matt a birthday present. Being on stage at Barnabas in '06, with my autistic boys. Trish and Joe singing together, before anyone knew they were dating. Walking to Jamie's car in freezing rain, releasing all my stress. Thinking my father loved me. Dancing with Lydia. Getting all dressed up for an evening with my mom. Laughing with my brother. Watching my grandma die. Getting ready to go to college. Being really sick. Dancing in the living room, young and carefree. Sleepless at a sleepover. Doing dishes and wondering what the future held. Being on vacation. Soundcheck at lots of Elms concerts. West Virginia. The smell of dead leaves, a new digital camera, and anticipation. My first Valentine's Day with my man, seeing him speechless twice. Doing a Where's Waldo puzzle? Painting the basement while Dad was out of town. Dirtboarding late at night with my "posse" at Manitoqua. Playing video games with Tim. My grandpa's pool. My 17th birthday. Getting over some boy. Watching Batman movies all in a row. The "other" youth group. Dancing with Kari at karate. Playing my very first guitar. Imitation Buckwheat. Ichthus 2002. Graduating high school...
If you ever want me to tell you a story, I know where to get inspiration... Haha. Oh music.

Time to stop thinking and go to bed.

I love you.

Really.
I've just also been meaning to do a lot of other things, and I've got about twenty-five days to do them all.
So... I'm going to try to do this and other things kinda alternately. Let's see if it'll be coherent.

I want you to know that This Is How the World Will End is going to be one of my very most favorite songs of all time. It's going to be a wonderful feeling someday to blare that song from every cd player in my life. I'm going to wash dishes to that song, listen to it whilst riding down the road, clean my room to it, put headphones on and just sit and savor it...

You might not know, actually. That I'll be in Wisconsin in twenty-six days. I can think of one person for sure who wouldn't know unless I mentioned it here, and I like to think that he'd like to know. So here's the scoop. From May 15th through August 22nd (or 23rd), I'll be at Easter Seals Respite Camp, in Wisconsin Dells, working as a kitchen aide. My goal for this year was to be on summer staff at a camp, and I'm achieving that. Kitchen aide is spoken of as a difficult job, thankless and socially awkward. I've done thankless jobs before, I've heard lots of stories from Mom's experience volunteering in Camp Barnabas' kitchen, I am inherently socially awkward (haha)... I've even been the counselor with the special diet camper, who has to pester the kitchen folks. I feel fairly confident that even though it'll be a new experience for me, I won't feel completely lost and overwhelmed. I am really looking forward to working. And, Joseph is there. It is such a good feeling simply to know that there's someone who'll be happy to see you. I've made three trips to Barnabas, and there'd be people who'd recognize me and be friendly, but that's different from having a friend. So yeah, it's kind of a big deal. My first time on staff, my first time at this camp, my first time being that long away from home (and even when I was at Manitoqua for, what, a month and a half, I had my brother to depend on if I needed him)... Yeah we'll live a little summer you'd never believe.

"Your dad won a major award..." Christmas Story, anyone? Haha. Mom is on the phone with Eric. He just got a new apartment mabob, so that's really good. Dad did in fact win a major award, in January I think it was? He & Mom get to go watch a bunch of cars drive around in circles. In California, the plan goes. That'll be while I'm at camp.

We're still waiting to find out if Manitoqua is going to hire my man or not. She was supposed to let him know within two weeks, Thursday was the end of two weeks, he tried to get a hold of her yesterday but didn't quite manage, so the suspense shall remain over the weekend.

I don't like shoes. I like my work boots, and I liked my cowboy boots, and I do like my summer shoes. Which I found today. So that's something simple yet happy.
(Actually, I like my high heels, too. Don't tell anybody.)

"Twice, man." Oh yes, the earthquake. I actually thought it was kinda cool, besides the fact that it woke me up.

I've been meaning to write someone a letter since January. I am a miserable friend. Oh my. Grrrararrrgh...

Don't forget... Dark Knight is coming! Oh joy! Can't wait to see how they do it. Sal Maroni? Great Scott!
Iron Man comes out May 2nd? And I want to see that, too.
But mostly Batman. Mmmmmmmm.

All right, that'll do for now.